A Little Soul Baring

Yesterday was one of those days. A day when I felt uncomfortable in my own skin ... just not quite right. It's hard to explain - do you ever have those days? For the most part I try to be confident. I know who I am and am okay with it.

Except when I'm not.

Except when I am convinced everything about me just isn't right. And I compare myself to every other woman out there. With her perfect hair, and clothes that are really stylish. Her perfect pedi (and now shellacked nails to-boot). Her perfectly coiffed and styled kids. Adorable house. And the way she so effortlessly manages two, three, four or even FIVE kids. All in adorable wedges, mind you.

I haven't made the time to get my hair colored in four months. FOUR. Or get a pedicure. Or go shopping for myself (except that is like in a year ... since I found out I was pregnant a year ago!). Or worked out more than 10 times since having Liam.

You know what? I used to be that girl. Stylish. My hair was always colored. My makeup never smudged. And my shoes were always really, really high and stylish.

And somehow now I'm just ... this girl.

Me feeling uncomfortable made me be a yucky person. To myself and to those I love most. I wasn't a fun mom to talk to at the play date we were invited to. I was just ready to leave. I didn't want to talk preschool, swim lessons, how much exercise we should be getting, or why people make all their own baby food (lets be honest, I avoid cooking at all cost ... why would I want to add another type of cooking to my list?!). I just wanted to scream and run away (I'm starting to sound really unstable here ... but hey, sometimes that's reality, folks). 

So I finally just rounded us up to leave, and then everything went even more sideways. Which put me in an even worse mood. And completely convinced that I will never get down this two kid thing (forget about any more kids). And that Landon will never, ever, ever get potty trained. (Which, by the way, I have decided is the worst thing about parenting thus far. I can take newborn nights, but this potty training business? It might kill me off.)

By late afternoon everyone was cranky because that was just the tone I had set. And then I had a church meeting and it left me feeling even more overwhelmed and inadequate (which, was really my own perception. The meeting actually went just fine, we're just back to that "uncomfortable in my own skin" thing.) 

Then, as I sat feeding Liam, Landon brought me some music I have and asked me what it was.  The song was "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" and he wanted to know what the words said (more on this later). And a little part of me started to un-knot.

Eventually the little people were in bed. And I could evaluate everything a bit more. And eat ice cream.

All this pressure I put on myself. All the expectations I have set for myself. They are pretty arbitrary. And unrealistic. And probably down right silly. 

And then I went back to the words of that song. Do you remember the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) phase? I lived in the mid-west at the time and it was all the rage (bible belt). Everyone wore the bracelets, etc. It was a thing. These words kind of remind me of that. 

1. If the Savior stood beside me,

would I do the things I do?

Would I think of His commandments,

and try harder to be true?

Would I follow His example?

Would I live more righteously

if I could see the Savior standing nigh,

watching over me?

2. If the Savior stood beside me,

would I say the things I say?

Would my words be true and kind

if He was never far away?

Would I try to share the gospel?

Would I speak more rev’rently

if I could see the Savior standing nigh,

watching over me?

3. He is always near me,

though I do not see Him there,

And because He loves me dearly,

I am in His watchful care.

So I’ll be the kind of person

that I know I’d like to be

if I could see the Savior standing nigh,

watching over me.

(Words from here)

I've always thought of those WWJD bracelets and this song in a very literal sense. If the Savior was standing next to me what would I do? Well, I would certainly try to be a better person. More forgiving, more patient and giving, a better example, etc. 

But last night I was pondering those words. And instead I thought more about the fact that He loves me. I am His. If the Savior stood beside me I think he would be asking me to remember that I am a daughter of God. That He knows I am doing my best. Yes, I could do better and be better. But instead of beating myself up over it, I could just remember that He is there watching over me, and let go of the little things that just don't matter. That everything will be okay - even if I don't look perfect, or if my kids ate peanut butter sandwiches (again) for lunch ... or (GASP!) McDonalds (which may or may not have been dinner tonight). Maybe, just maybe, I would realize that it's okay if I just relax a little and remember that sometimes my best is all I can give. And remember that He will make up the difference.

It was a good moment for me. Today wasn't perfect. I got impatient and tried to hurry Landon at one point (which, if you've ever tried to hurry a three year old along, you know you might as well be herding wild cats who have the attention span of a squirrel) and got irritated. But overall, we had a good day. 

And McDonalds for dinner.