Reflections, Guilt and Gratitude

As a nation we have been hit hard by several tragic events throughout the last few years. My heart aches thinking about each event, the parents and children effected and the lives that will simply never be the same. Whether you or I believe gun control or better mental health options are the answer doesn't really matter right now, because right now we are healing again from a tragedy too big to comprehend and need to focus on that (yes, I have an opinion, and no, it doesn't matter right here or now). Especially at this time of love and joy. 

Christmas is such a magical time of year. But I'll be honest. I haven't felt as magical this year. Call it the stress and my inability to say no to being over-committed, call it reeling from the recent events, call it being 8 (almost 9!) months pregnant. Call it what you will, I've just been a bit bah-humbug for my own taste.  

I've spent some time thinking about it. I have had brilliant moments of sheer Christmas joy, and others of being a total Scrooge about the whole thing and wondered why that is. I think all the things I listed above play into it, honestly. Which has then led to my own guilt over the matter. If you don't know me well I am a guilty person ... meaning I feel guilt easily and heavily. Including mommy-guilt. 

Do you know how sweet my boy is (probably, because I talk about it incessantly :)!)? But do you also know that sometimes I don't appreciate him the way I should? Sometimes I am tired. Or need to work. Or just need a bit of a break. And I know those things are normal. But I feel so guilty over it. These are our last few weeks of it just being us during the day. And as excited as I am, I am sad. I love our time. But if I love it so much why do I sometimes wish the day would go just a bit faster? Or wish I could have a few minutes of a break? Oh the guilt that sets in then! 

But today I decided to just let it be. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I just won't be perfect. And that is just how it is. And I will focus more on all the moments I am grateful for and forget about the hard mom-moments, because, you know what? At least I have them. I might not love seeing a tantrum, but I'm so grateful he is here in front of me to tantrum. And subsequently for us to talk about it later (once he is again rational).

Instead, I'm going to focus on the moments I have been really grateful for lately ... and the things that have made me laugh. Because our days are also filled with funny, cute things I never want to forget.

On Sunday we did a little playing in the fresh snow. (BTW, did you know I bought adorable snow boots this year ... so I can really be the fun, stylish mom who plays in the snow. Admittedly I really just took pictures and Jeff played in the snow, but I think not doing snow angels this pregnant is excusable :)!) When we asked Landon if he wanted to make snow angels he said "no, I want to make a snow baby Jesus!" We laughed pretty hard. He did end up making several snow angels when we explained it to him.

We were invited over to our friend's home for dinner. While we were there Landon was helping Scott figure out their pilot light situation in their fireplace. It was so cute to watch!

Monday we got to celebrate my awesome mom's birthday! Landon was SO excited to help make her cake. And to blow out her candles (multiple times over). We're so lucky to have grandparents so close to us and so involved in our lives. 

Jeff has this bad habit of jokingly asking me what I got him for Christmas (b-days, etc.). Well, the other day he asked Landon (jokingly) "What did you get dad for Christmas?" I reminded Landon "It's a secret!!" and Landon ran toward Jeff yelling out "It's a secret, Dad, I got you GLOVES!" 

Jeff and I about died laughing. It was just so cute and innocent. 

Then I had the opportunity to take Landon to his art class, which is pretty much his favorite day of the month. During it the kids did a parade. Landon was a reindeer. He was really unsure about the fact that the antlers had a bow on them (he couldn't quite figure it out) and the fact that they didn't give him a red nose to wear. How can you be a reindeer without a red nose?!

See? When I look at just the last few days, I am filled with gratitude. And ultimately love and the Christmas spirit. Since I needed this little boost and challenge, I'm going to challenge each of you to do a little reflecting and focus a little more on what you're grateful for this holiday season. 

Merry Christmas!